Forgive. Forget.

“Forgive and forget”

A message to a teenager:

Over the years, people have hurt you – you expected this as a teenager. Boys don’t treat you right, girls are hateful and rude, and in general, not everything goes your way.

No matter how much it hurt, no matter how many nights you spent crying in your parents arms, or sobbing quietly in bed, or screaming and wondering what made you deserve being treated liked absolute shit, you’ve always found a way to forgive. Forgive that boy, that girl, whoever. Because you know that the weight of not forgiving is far heavier than the weight of hurting. It’s pointless not to forgive. Everyone makes mistakes and you realise that.

Forgiveness is not the hard thing. Forgetting is.

Time allows you to move on, grow happy again. Find a new love, a new friend, a new hobby. You’ve forgiven whatever hurt you a long time again. But you haven’t forgotten the pain that they inflicted on your soul. When you remember it, unexplainable feelings simmer to the surface, your heart begins to ache, your voice grows angry. All the emotions rush back, pumps through your blood, infect your mind, your thoughts. The feeling of worthlessness returns – the one you so wanted to bury.

Yes, forgiving someone is easy, but forgetting what they did is impossible. The two should not be confused, nor treated the same way. It’s ok to remember, to forget, to forgive, to do whatever you need to do, so that you feel important again. Your own person. You.

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That Elephant in the Room.

I go about my days, completing small tasks here and there, doing the bare minimum of homework, taking frequent naps, eating constantly, the usual. I get by day by day, and tend not to think too much of the stormy seas that lay ahead. But as much as I am content with my life, there is always something looming in the corner of the room. It’s big, a little scary, confronting, and quite possibly life changing. It’s that damm elephant.

I’m sure everyone has these creatures somewhere in their lives. It’s those things that we know are there, but don’t want to face. For some its the fact that a relationship isn’t working out, for some it’s a person’s death, for some it’s the realisation that they’re not happy with their lives. Everyone has elephants. Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

Let me introduce you to my elephant. His name is University. He’s been standing there for around a year or so. And he’ll be standing there for at least another five. People have tried to coax him out from the corner so him and I can have a little chat, but I ignore their efforts and refuse to acknowledge his existence. Quite frankly, he can be a little bitch – with all his deadlines and needs, his extremely high expectations, and his mocking demeanour that constantly sends the message of “ha ha you’re never going to get in.”

It scares me that my friends have dealt with their University elephant. Rather than crossing their arms and sulking like a child (something that I may or may not do), they’ve stood up, and decided to work with the motherfucker rather than fight it. Soon, these friends will even be happy with the University elephant (provided the elephant likes their application of course). I on the other hand, am afraid to even begin thinking about University – it scares the hell out of me.

I don’t even know where to begin. Don’t know which angle I should begin trying to figure out this elephant. And it sucks.

So for now, I’m just going to go to one corner, while the elephant stares at me from the other corner. We might have a staring contest. Maybe exchange a few words here and there. But  for now I’m going to leave him alone – for the next few months at least. Until I can get the courage to finally face him.

To everyone out there with elephants, we’re always told to “face them” but no one tells you the exact time at which we should. Trust yourself. When the time is right, you will be able to kick that big creature out of the room, and  be finally able to dust your hands off, sit back with a drink in hand, and enjoy all that free space that has been created.