Forgive. Forget.

“Forgive and forget”

A message to a teenager:

Over the years, people have hurt you – you expected this as a teenager. Boys don’t treat you right, girls are hateful and rude, and in general, not everything goes your way.

No matter how much it hurt, no matter how many nights you spent crying in your parents arms, or sobbing quietly in bed, or screaming and wondering what made you deserve being treated liked absolute shit, you’ve always found a way to forgive. Forgive that boy, that girl, whoever. Because you know that the weight of not forgiving is far heavier than the weight of hurting. It’s pointless not to forgive. Everyone makes mistakes and you realise that.

Forgiveness is not the hard thing. Forgetting is.

Time allows you to move on, grow happy again. Find a new love, a new friend, a new hobby. You’ve forgiven whatever hurt you a long time again. But you haven’t forgotten the pain that they inflicted on your soul. When you remember it, unexplainable feelings simmer to the surface, your heart begins to ache, your voice grows angry. All the emotions rush back, pumps through your blood, infect your mind, your thoughts. The feeling of worthlessness returns – the one you so wanted to bury.

Yes, forgiving someone is easy, but forgetting what they did is impossible. The two should not be confused, nor treated the same way. It’s ok to remember, to forget, to forgive, to do whatever you need to do, so that you feel important again. Your own person. You.

Year of 2014.

So 2013 flew by and suddenly I find myself in a new year, and you know what a new year means? A chance to start over, to improve, to change, to do whatever you’ve always wanted to do. Often people make superficial new years resolutions like “lose weight,” which are harldy thought out, nor achieved. I usually make similar resolutions, and tend to forget them by late january, and the same went for this year. I went to bed on New Years Eve, without one single resolution in mind, but the next day I met up with my friend and she told me hers. I was amazed at how perfectly her resolution could apply to me.

This year I want to step outside of my comfort zone – socially, physically, academically. 

In 2013 I always felt constrained by my shyness and fear of new experiences, and this stopped me from doing things that I wanted to do. Socially, there are so many people in my class that I want to get to know better, but I was always too afraid to talk to them, or whenever I found myself in an actual conversation with them, I would find a reason to leave (before it got awkward). This year I’m going to push myself into making an effort and overcoming that initial shyness that finds me tongue tied and blushing. After all, I’ve only got 6 months more with these people, and I may regret it if I don’t. 

Physically, I want to push myself beyond my comfort point. Since running season ended, I have literally done nothing. I blame my laziness on how busy I am, but I know in reality, it is no excuse. This year, I’m going to begin a routine that will enable me to get fit again, and I know that this will in turn boost my confidence (which has been lacking)!

Academically, I think it is obvious. I graduate in 5 months, and it’s probably going to be the most challenging 5 months I have ever experienced. I need to find the motivation to keep going, to prevail even when it feels like no matter how hard I try, I don’t do well. These 5 months will determine whether or not I get into the university I want, and I need to work my butt off! 

I hope writing this resolution out will help me stick to it. This is something that I have thought a lot about, and I know that if I achieve it, I will be a happier, healthier, more confident person! Do you have any new years resolutions? 

:) 

 

 

 

Holiday Time!

Hello Hello!

So after many stressful and fairly unproductive weeks of studying and exams, it is finally time for the Christmas holidays! Christmas time is always so exciting for me because it means I get to go back to Australia and visit family and friends. It also means I get to buy presents for other people, which is one of my most favourite things to do!! If only it wasn’t so expensive (damm you Sydney prices!) I also just love seeing everyone get into the christmas spirit! Gosh I just love Christmas in general :) 

Sadly my sister isn’t going to be here this Christmas; she’ll be celebrating it in Sweden! I’m going to miss her A LOT but I’m sure she’ll have a fantastic time. 

I hope you are all having a wonderful holiday so far – enjoy spending precious time with your family, eating amazing food, and remembering what Christmas is all about!

XOXO

Yes, I’m “That” Person

We’ve all experienced this before. You’re an angel if you haven’t. I’m talking about those moments when it is quite possibly the most inappropriate time to laugh, yet there we are, rolling on the floor, tears streaming down our faces as a contorted mixture of laugher and wheezy gasps escape our mouths. Wow, are those times not only extremely awkward, but can result in us looking about as insensitive as a flea (I apologise to any fleas reading this who do feel that they are indeed sensitive creatures and have thus been misjudged within my piece of writing). 

The number of times I have found myself in this situation is ridiculous. Let me list a few examples – the other day, my teacher tripped over a computer cord and while most of the class reacted in a “Oh my gosh are you okay?” kind of way, there were those few students who reacted like me… in a clutching stomach, biting fist, trying to control ourselves from a fit of laughter kind of way. BOY OH BOY, was it funny! But it was also a non-laughing situation (according to the teacher). Then there are more serious examples, like the time someone told me that a friend of theirs was extremely sick. 99.999% of the population would react the normal way, by sympathising with them and giving a reassuring hug, but NO!! What do I do? I giggle. GIGGLE. Not only did I want to slap myself, but I’m pretty sure the other person wanted to slap me too – and I wouldn’t blame them if they did.

Don’t ask me why I do it – I don’t know and probably never will. I guess I’m missing a piece of my brain that is responsible for the “Lauren, it is time to stop laughing” thought process that will allow me to become a regular human capable of being sensitive. But who knows.

I’m writing this post as a recognition to all those people out there who are have been in a situation like this before. I want to stand on top of a mountain and shout “I, AS A REPRESENTATIVE OF PEOPLE WHO LAUGH AT THE WRONG TIME, WANT TO APOLOGISE TO ALL THOSE POOR HUMAN BEINGS WHO HAVE HAD TO EXPERIENCE THE WRATH OF OUR CACKLING. WE DO NOT MEAN TO LAUGH, WE JUST CAN’T HELP IT. “

I promise you that I’ll try to keep my untimely laughter to myself. But until then, I’ll carry on being that awkward, sometimes heartless girl, who continues laughing even when the last joke is over.

That Elephant in the Room.

I go about my days, completing small tasks here and there, doing the bare minimum of homework, taking frequent naps, eating constantly, the usual. I get by day by day, and tend not to think too much of the stormy seas that lay ahead. But as much as I am content with my life, there is always something looming in the corner of the room. It’s big, a little scary, confronting, and quite possibly life changing. It’s that damm elephant.

I’m sure everyone has these creatures somewhere in their lives. It’s those things that we know are there, but don’t want to face. For some its the fact that a relationship isn’t working out, for some it’s a person’s death, for some it’s the realisation that they’re not happy with their lives. Everyone has elephants. Don’t worry, you’re not alone.

Let me introduce you to my elephant. His name is University. He’s been standing there for around a year or so. And he’ll be standing there for at least another five. People have tried to coax him out from the corner so him and I can have a little chat, but I ignore their efforts and refuse to acknowledge his existence. Quite frankly, he can be a little bitch – with all his deadlines and needs, his extremely high expectations, and his mocking demeanour that constantly sends the message of “ha ha you’re never going to get in.”

It scares me that my friends have dealt with their University elephant. Rather than crossing their arms and sulking like a child (something that I may or may not do), they’ve stood up, and decided to work with the motherfucker rather than fight it. Soon, these friends will even be happy with the University elephant (provided the elephant likes their application of course). I on the other hand, am afraid to even begin thinking about University – it scares the hell out of me.

I don’t even know where to begin. Don’t know which angle I should begin trying to figure out this elephant. And it sucks.

So for now, I’m just going to go to one corner, while the elephant stares at me from the other corner. We might have a staring contest. Maybe exchange a few words here and there. But  for now I’m going to leave him alone – for the next few months at least. Until I can get the courage to finally face him.

To everyone out there with elephants, we’re always told to “face them” but no one tells you the exact time at which we should. Trust yourself. When the time is right, you will be able to kick that big creature out of the room, and  be finally able to dust your hands off, sit back with a drink in hand, and enjoy all that free space that has been created.